Flat is the new up

Just in case you were out for the week, let me say you didn’t really miss much.. Stocks closed flat, and so did Treasuries, Fannie Mae mortgages and corporate debt. The only thing you might have missed is a few catchy headlines... a sample below. Enjoy!

Sunday
*Lehman (remember them??) Inches Toward Bankruptcy After Potential Buyers Drop Out
*Bank of America, Merrill Lynch in Merger Talks
*AIG Said to Seek Capital From KKR and J.C. Flowers
*AIG May Seek Help From Fed, Rejects Private-Equity
*Asian Stocks, U.S. Futures, Dollar Tumble on Lehman Bankruptcy
*Banks, Firms Set Up $70 Billion Fund for Liquidity
*Fed Widens Collateral for Loans to Investment Banks
*Treasuries Show Paulson `Bazooka' Misfire; Bonds Gain

Monday
*Lehman Fails, Cops Get Caught Eating Doughnuts
*Bank of America to Acquire Merrill as Crisis Deepens
*Morgan Stanley, Goldman Bonds Drop as Bank Default Risk Surges
*Washington Mutual Credit Rating Cut by S&P on Mortgage Losses
*Houston Struggles After Ike as Midwest Hit by Floods
*U.S. Stocks Drop, S&P 500 Sinks Most Since 2001 Terror Attacks
*AIG Rating Cut to A- by S&P; Remains on Watch Negative
*Japan's Banks Drop the Most Since `Black Monday'
*Japan, China, Korea Join Central Bank Attempts to Calm Markets

Tuesday
*Fed Keeps Rate at 2%, Rebuffing Call for Reduction
*Government Said to Consider AIG Conservatorship Plan
*U.S. Stocks Climb, Led by Financial Shares, on AIG Speculation
*AIG Said to Accept Federal Takeover, Will Replace Management
*Central Banks in Japan, Australia Add $22 Bln to Calm Markets
*Treasuries Decline as Stocks Gain, Fed Loans AIG $85 Billion
*Corporate Bond Risk Declines as Fed Agrees to AIG Rescue Loan
*Reserve Primary Money Fund Falls Below $1 a Share

Wednesday
*U.S. Stocks Drop as Lending Freezes Up Following AIG Takeover
*Global Confidence Declines as Financial-Market Turmoil Worsens
*Treasury 3-Month Bill Rates Drop to Lowest Since at Least 1954
*General Electric Shares Post Biggest Drop in Over Five Years
*Morgan Stanley Loses Hedge-Fund Clients as Stock Tumbles 42%
*"We are all TOAST!"… SMS from friend at Morgan Stanley
*McCain, Obama Blame Regulators; McCain Shifts Position on AIG
*Reid Says `No One Knows What to Do' to Solve Crisis
*Morgan Stanley Said to Weigh Deal With Wachovia as Shares Sink
*SEC Stiffens Short-Selling Rules Amid Market Turmoil
*Fuld Tells Lehman Employees He Feels `Horrible' for Their Pain
*Japan, Australia Add $16.8 Billion as Money Market Rates Jump
*"When will this all end?!!" --email from a colleague
*Gold Extends Biggest Advance in 26 Years on Demand for Haven

Thursday
*Central Banks Offer Extra Funds to Calm Money Markets
*U.S. Stocks Rise on Central Bank Actions, Short-Sale Crackdown
*WaMu Shares Jump After Lender Is Put Up for Sale By Goldman
*State Street Falls on Concerns That Bond Holdings Will Suffer
*Morgan Stanley Loses Hedge-Fund Clients on Stock Drop
*U.S. Stocks Drop, Erase Early Gains, as Morgan Stanley Plunges
*BNY Mellon Institutional Cash Fund Hit by Lehman Debt Losses
*McCain to Say He Would Fire SEC's Cox If He Were President
*Putnam Closes Institutional Money-Market Fund After Withdrawals
*Genworth Loses Half Its Value, Biggest Drop Since GE Spinoff
*Putnam, Mellon Spur `Oh, My God' Money-Market Flight
*Morgan Stanley, Goldman Shares Plunge as Morgan Weighs Merger
*Fed Lends Record to Wall Street, $28 Billion to AIG
*S&P 500 Plunge Erases 50% of Gains From Bull Market
*Treasury, Fed Weighing Wider Plan to Ease Crisis, Schumer Says
*State Street, Federated Fall After Money-Fund Loss
*Wachovia Rallies as U.S., U.K. Regulators Limit Short-Selling
*U.S. Rally Most in Six Years on Government Plan to Help Banks
*SEC Said to Weigh Ban on Short-Selling Brokerage Firms' Shares
*Paulson, Bernanke Seek `Comprehensive' Crisis Plan

Friday
*Stocks Soar Worldwide on Bank Bailout, Curb on Short Sales
*Money-Market Funds Get $50 Billion Backstop From U.S.
*Morgan, Goldman Lead Financials Surge on Bank Bailout
*Meltzer Calls Paulson Plan `Social Democracy at Its Worst'
*Bush Says Rescue Plan Will Ease Pressure on Banks
*Treasury, Fed Begin Urgent Aid, Preceding Broad Market Support
*Short Sellers Under Fire in U.S., U.K. After AIG Fall
*Paulson Announces "Troubled Asset Relief Program"
*National City, Wachovia, WaMu Surge on Federal Plan
*Paulson Bailout Plan Is Either `Worst' Approach or `Giant Step'
*Paulson Calls for `Quick, Clean' Rescue Progam, Says Markets Are `Fragile'
*Paulson's $700 Billion Bank Rescue Seeks `Absolute Control' for Treasury

*S&P 500 Closes Week Unchanged, Wall Street Forever Altered